Hey there,
If you are reading this please stay open minded and please know that I am finding myself! You may wonder what the heck I am talking about, well keep reading you you will find out. Over the past couple of years I have lost my personality, I tried being someone that I really wasn't. I wanted to be accepted so badly by people around me that I was trying to change everything about myself. I would hide behind what I thought everyone thought was better. Well in the long run, I lost my close relationships with friends who loved me for me.
I lost the love and compassion I had for life and everyone around me. It ended up being such a mess that in February of 2010 I had a breakdown, a breakdown that almost caused me to loose my family. My husband and daughters who loved me so dearly were so hurt and distraught about the situation that they couldn't look at me the same way. I was devastated because it took me having a break down and getting taken off by a police car to wake up and realize what I was doing not only to myself but my family. I ended up in the Emergency room due to trying to overdose on pills, praise God I was okay and got to go home that night with supervision. Most people in my life have no idea about how depressed I had really gotten until that very night.
I am stepping out on a limb that is weak and barely hanging there just to share this, I am scared beyond belief to share this. I hope that whoever reads this loves me enough not to judge me, just love me and know that I have made a huge progress and am being true to myself. I am opening up and be true! Something that I have been terrified to do for well, always..
I have had ups and downs for so long and have had an interesting life, I have dealt with drug and alcohol abuse along with others (so not going there right now). I've dealt with eating disorders since I was a young teen and still struggle sometimes. I have never thought I was pretty enough to be loved or cared for, nor did I ever think that I would find someone to love me for me.
So here we are.... Starting a new journey and "taking my first step" AGAIN!!! Yeah I know, don't ask..
Here's the start to my new beginning, to the new me, honest whole hearted truth and honesty even if it makes me cry so hard that I collapse and can't breath..
I am starting with this..
My name is Donna Lammar, I am married to Steve Lammar. We have been together for 9 long interesting roller coaster up and down wonderful years!
We were married on January 22nd 2005, which we were together 3 years to the day the day before our wedding.. :)
We have three beautiful rambunctious little girls, who drive us a bit crazy.. lol ;) Our girls are Mya 7, Larrissa 4 soon to be 5 (June 6th) and Hannah 2 soon to be 3 (May 30).. So life is crazy and full of DrAmA!!
Yes we had Mya before we were married, some people frowned upon this, we knew God but not the way we would have liked or thought we did. We were planning our wedding when we found out we were pregnant, we did not rush to be married just because we were pregnant. So we waited until she was a year old and she could be a part of our wedding. ( Oh and only a few months after she was born we found out we were pregnant with another baby, we lost the baby and well it still hurts but we're okay) For quite a while we tried having another baby and well it obviously was not the right timing.
Anyways from there we had plenty of moves including moving to New Mexico for almost a year which was different from home. I had a nursing job there and worked an office job until we found out that we were pregnant with our little girl, Larrissa. I had a tough pregnancy and we decided to move home just before Christmas, I was as BIG as a house. What a Christmas though, to be home with our family. This is how we ended up moving to the Marshfield area.
Larrissa's birth was a big change for us, we had a 2 1/2 year old who was potty training, well I was trying to potty train her. She so rebelled!! Larrissa was a colicky baby and let's just put it this way, Steve worked three jobs and I was not sleeping between little Larrissa and not having my husband and being somewhere new.. I looked and felt awful until she was about 5 months old. Thanks to women from the new church we had started going to "Faith Fellowship" my life was made a little easier, they came and brought me meals and help clean our apartment while I was on bed rest from exhaustion.
We moved a lot after that too, we had some rough patches.. We did however find a small group which had opened their arms to us and showed us compassion. It was nice to have people like that in our lives, however we felt really out of place. We felt like the out casts, we did not own a house, or have a lot of money, and felt like everyone was judging us. They weren't, we were doing ourselves.
Those amazing people kept us close and offered so many encouraging words to us. To those amazing people, Thank you (you should know who you are).
Over time I was baptized at our church and had decided it was time to make a change in our lives. Well, I stumbled a few times and got myself into some pretty crappy predicaments. My husband stood beside me all the way, I am so thankful that he did.
Moving on...
We got pregnant with Hannah and work on our marriage, which had started having problems prior to her pregnancy. Over time we worked things out and started to grow once again together, we grew pretty strong.
We moved away again, and lost contact with some people. We became distant with our small group, especially me. I felt like I was being judged and that I couldn't open up to anyone, so I would tell what I felt need to be said and that was it. It led to people questioning me and doubting me. From there I became even more cold and distant.
I went through a really tough depression and my marriage was on the rocks because I was being distant to the person that I was supposed to be closest too. I didn't know who I was and couldn't care less, too bad I didn't realize that at the time. It took people pushing me away and me being too proud to realize that I was the reason for it all. I was so quick to blame others for judging me and being harsh to me rather then looking at myself for the way I was being.
For a year I kept my distance and avoided people because I didn't want to hear that I wasn't good enough, or that I was wrong. I mean who wants to hear "your wrong"?
In July of last year I had been faced to reality that my health was deteriorating beneath me, I had to have a partial hysterectomy at the age of 25! Then to follow, my intestines started shutting down and then we found out that I had blood clots. So in three months we had about six different hospital stays, so not fun.. So anyways after all that, we found out that there was black mold in the rental that we had and we had to move out. So once again we were moving, Ugh..
From there we moved in with a friend out of town and rented the upstairs of their house. It was so hard not having a place of our own. It was a huge struggle our kids had to go to a different school, and it was a long drive for Steve. However, it made our marriage stronger and we now know that God used it to help us grow stronger as a couple.
During all the craziness it honestly took my mother asking me "who are you?" before I really opened my eyes and realized that I had honestly lost myself. I didn't know who I was when I looked in the mirror, I didn't recognize myself. I was no longer caring, loving, compassionate, or anything that I once was. I was LOST! I had lost myself and everything that I had once been so proud to be. Talk about a slap in the face, HeLlO reality check..
We decided that we need to make some changes and well they slowly started.
I decided that I need to start new, I have slowly started since January of this year (2011). I started out by asking God to forgive me for my mistakes and my awful irritating behavior and attitude. I felt like a ton had been lifted off my shoulders and heart, then came the overwhelming pain of conviction.. Oh yeah, right there in my face conviction.. I had to make right with the people that I was fake with, so I knew that I had to do it.. Even if I was scared to death to do it, I so was!
One day after church service there was a special event at our church and I felt that it was time. I went to a woman who had never hurt me, she never judged me, I just thought she had. I went to her and apologized for being fake and untrue to myself with her. I had let her down as a friend and sister of Christ. I asked her for her forgiveness, and she did. I felt so much conviction at that moment that if thoughts could actually take up space my head would have exploded! I was so overwhelmed with conviction and what I had done to her and said to her out of hurt. She is a wonderful person, she has been an inspiration. To that awesome lady and her family I say thank you. I never ever wanted to hurt either of you nor did I ever want to be better or compete with you. I am thankful to have you in my life and hope that we do get a second chance and a better relationship as friends..
I also decided that I was going to go back to school, I ended up going in a whole different direction then I thought I would ever go. I am going to school for human services, I was encouraged by a school counselor who thought that I could encourage teens to take a chance to change. To use my bad experiences to help others, I really felt like this was something that I was destined to do. I could use all the bad things that have hurt me to help others, I was no longer asking God "why?" I was thinking this is the good that will conquer the bad.
From there we decided that we wanted to start looking into buying our own home, debt free! Lol, talk about a challenge.. We did it though! We don't have a big fancy house or even our own land. We have a trailer house, yes a trailer house. It needs fixing and some tlc, but it's ours. We have a home of our own, yes we would love to own a house but we know that for now this is what God has presented for us. This is our home and we are content with it. Don't judge us for living in a trailer house or think "omg what the heck are they trailer trash?" A type of home should not be the label for who a person or family are. It's our home, it's not what we planned or wanted. It's what God provided and it's ours, we don't owe a huge amount of money on it and we don't have to ask if we can paint it or personalize it. For now, it's just right, just right for us. In time we will buy a house, but for now we have our trailer home.. In which I would love to share memories and love with my family and friends.
Okay, so you are probably wondering if this will end anytime soon.. Lol yes it will.
So here I stand a woman who struggles with her weight, the craziness of life, and a woman with heart that is becoming true to herself. I am taking my first step to my new journey.. I hope that my family and friends support me and love me enough to support me and put up with my stubborn butt.
Lol, just a note- I won't post messages this long very often..
I am setting goals for myself and will share them along with my success with ya'll..
Here I go, one step at a time.
